Following the Family’s Lead
On Loss and Language
“I don’t know what to say”. When a friend or loved one is experiencing loss, you will often hear their loved ones expressing this sentiment. They want to offer support in a time of grief, but they feel unsure of what to say. A lot of us have experienced this in our own lives, right? You want to be there for your loved ones, but you may be feeling unsure of how to navigate the conversation. We don’t want to say the wrong thing. Sometimes, this is what keeps people from reaching out -- the fear of doing it wrong or saying it wrong. People may fear that they’re going to add to someone’s hurt and grief by accidentally saying something offensive.
It’s important that we don’t shy away from these conversations out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Someone experiencing loss NEEDS their village to surround them in love and support.
Loss is unique to each and every one that experiences it. In the instance of early pregnancy loss, some may view this as a pregnancy loss, while others may consider it a miscarriage. Chemical pregnancy, molar pregnancy , and ectopic pregnancy aren’t always well-known terms; it really depends on the audience. So, people experiencing these types of loss may have a different way of describing or categorizing their experiences. The CDC defines stillbirth as a loss occurring at 20 weeks gestation and after, but someone experiencing loss at 18 weeks gestation may feel that the term miscarriage doesn’t accurately describe their experience. SO, what do you say?
The best course of action when companioning through grief is to simply follow the family’s lead. Try not to insert your own language or opinions if they are differing from the family’s. Remember that the family’s response to their loss is so multi-faceted. Feelings towards the pregnancy, religious and cultural beliefs, fertility history, personal family values, and so many other factors all make up a very individuzalied grief response. Every individual and every loss is so different and it stands to reason that the language around loss will be as well. Let the family lead.
Mirror the language they are using. Don’t try to downplay their grief by inserting your own opinions on the circumstances surrounding their loss or the gestation. Don’t make comparisons to other losses that you feel are more significant or traumatic than theirs. Don’t try to correct their terminology if you don’t feel they’re using the terms by definition. Don’t tell a grieving family what they should feel or presume to know what they feel.
Hold space for the bereaved. Use their terminology. Let them tell you how they feel. And if they aren’t sure how they feel, walk alongside that path with them. Hold space, listen, love , and let the family lead the conversation.