When the Outpouring of Love Stops

& How to Companion the Grieving

Often times, when a family experiences a loss, they’re faced with an outpouring of love and support immediately following their tragedy. Families and friends rally around the grieving: casseroles are delivered, kind words are spoken, hugs are given, cards are mailed, and tears are shared. The grieving are enveloped in love from family and friends immediately following loss.

But what happens next can leave many feeling forgotten. When extended family and friends of the grieving return to their everyday routines, when the outpouring of love stops, the bereaved may feel that their loved ones are moving on without them. They may feel like they’ve experienced another loss - both the loss of their pregnancy or infant, and the loss of their family’s support.

Depression is a LIAR. In the throes of depression, people may forget we love them. They may forget that we care about them and their pain. They may forget that they matter to us.

So, how can we help? It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, but it’s really important that we are checking in with our people and not leaving them to feel forgotten. Maybe consider setting a calendar notification a month from now, three months from now, six months from now, so you can call and check in. Set up a reminder to send a card yearly. In the first year, send one at the six month mark as well. In addition to phone calls and cards, one of the things that I offer is to set up a meal train for the family to organize all their loved ones’ meal donations. When I do this, I choose a mix of dates so the family is able to receive meals three - four months after their loss. This helps them remember that we’re thinking of them even when it may feel everyone else has moved on.

If this is something you’re currently feeling personally, know that DEPRESSION IS A BIG OLD LIAR. Your loved ones didn’t forget about your loss. They DO care. Reach out to them and if not them, reach out to support in your community. Contact me if you’re not sure where to turn.